Courage Under Fire

I'm agitated, I feel like I’m stuck. I was progressing well, I was thinking positive thoughts and somehow I hit a wall.

And I feel like I’m letting my emotions get the better of me right now, and it’s hard not to get angry. Angry how someone can change so fast and not care.

I know I gotta fight this, I know this is not the better version of me.

I know God can’t and doesn’t make a mistake, and He is not about to start with me.

But how can I overcome this feeling of pain, hurt, anger, frustration, and loneliness, I'm so tired of this.

2.5 years ago when I moved out with the love of my life into our first condo, I thought that was the start of our life together, a new beginning that would eventually lead to buying a house and starting a family. We will go through the troubles together and come out stronger, “we got this” was our mono, and what she repeatedly told me when I was down.

Now suddenly the reality of starting all over again just seems unreal, I feel abandoned, with no closure.

I keep replaying the years I been with her over and over again and I know I wasn’t perfect, but really! Is this how it should end? Is this what it comes down to?

I don’t know what to think anymore, I don’t know how to process these thoughts. How do I overcome something I can’t make sense of. What do I say, what do I do, how do you close a chapter without closure.

It’s tough, and I am taking out my frustration through my fist, bruising my knuckles just to numb the pain. I am trying to control this anger, trying to control this frustration.

But there is so much that I can handle, and I am praying and praying begging God to help me. Trying my best to remain calm, trying my best to remain positive.

And then there days I just don’t know how much longer can I handle this? How much longer I can endure this?

I am losing hope, I can’t keep on smiling but hurting inside.

But I have come too far to give up now, I must persevere, I must push past this and believe pain & suffering is necessary to succeed.

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