Facing my problems has by far been one of the hardest things I had to do. It's not something physical to stop or control; it’s a constant battle of the mind. Worse part is when your emotions are involved, how do you really control how you feel?
I recently lost someone I truly loved and it has been devastating. I know I can't change the past nor do I have any control over the outcome and at this point all I want to do is get past this stage. I am tired feeling this way, and the sleepless nights and painful & heavy heart. But I am trying to battle through it.
Every day I am trying to remain positive and remind myself that God has a plan and purpose for my life, that this pain is temporary and will make me better. Problem is not believing that it will get better, it's just I don't feel it at the moment. And I try to limit my interaction with people because I am still wounded and emotional and something they say might trigger a feeling I am trying to get over.
I went MIA this weekend to reflect on the past and see how I can close this chapter of my life and focus on my goals for this year, and the funny part is when I looked at "what I want to do" or "who do I want to be" I couldn't answer it. I knew the answers a year ago, but now I am not certain. This is when I truly realized I drew the map of my future because it felt right at the time, but I didn't really understand the 'why'.
It was very painful process, and sometimes the pain doesn't really make sense, because everything I know and believe leads to a bright and positive future, but this fear that I gave in to for so long kept me in this loop.
When I am not sad I am angry, and I am learning to channel and control it, which the gym has really helped. And I am also praying earnestly every day and focusing on putting my faith in God to deliver me and help me endure this suffering and learn the lesson from it.
Still have a lot of maturing to do.
Maybe courage doesn't always roar. Maybe courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow".