I am reminded by the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Romans, when he writes:
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do….For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
One area I noticed why I am not pushing myself, is not so much the lack of desire, but the lack of planning, the lack of commitment, and the lack of discipline to make the effort. They say insanity is doing the something every day and expecting different result. And if every day I fall into the habit of doing what I feel like doing instead of what I need to do, then I really can’t expect to change.
I will end up with the same results over and over again. I noticed when I go for a walk in nature or go for a bike ride, my mind is open, I can think more clearly, I can come up with ideas and solutions to problems I am facing, that I couldn’t otherwise. But when I confine myself into my room, or leave things to the last minute to do something, I am no longer doing it out of passion or joy, I end up doing it because I have to do it or because I feel guilty not to do it.
I know this is not the right step to take if I want to achieve my ultimate goal. And the funny thing is, as much as I know this, I still don’t change. I know this has to do with discipline and building the right habits, but I have to have the push, that drive, something that wakes me up, something I need to feel to make that change. If I don’t, I can’t expect to change.
This is what I am going through right now, and learning how to overcome this obstacle. Today was a wakeup call, saying to myself “listen man, you need to wake up and step up… you know what you are capable of doing, but you are not living to your full potential” and honestly this is what irritates me. Knowing I can do and give so much more, but just the thought of knowing that I am capable of doing anything, causes me not doing anything.